She
looked up at the winning lottery numbers, while standing in the local dairy, they look like my numbers she thought. Not really thinking she
had won, but checking her purse, she didn't have her ticket, so just
thought she must remember to check it, online later. She let the
fantasy of “winning the lottery” stay playing in her mind.
Oh
how it would change things, how wonderful it would be. Musings
floated through her head, a picture of herself, walking without pain,
walking into her home, that was clean and tidy, and seeing her new
paid companion smiling and laughing, the fantasy came to an abrupt
end, as she tripped, although she didn't fall, often falling is a
better option than not, because the way you move so quickly, and
all your weight suddenly stops can do far more damage to your body.
This was one of those times, that saving herself from falling, had
cause pain to spring from what seemed like every muscle of her body.
God
dammit, what an idiot you are old woman, she thought, you know,
better than to stopping yourself from falling like that, that was a
nasty trip, and the pain will be horrendous. At that same moment, she
realised, she hadn't brought her mobility scooter, so she would have
to walk home, it really wasn't far, she could see the tall tree in
the corner of the section where she lived, it was only just over 100
meters away, but hell it seemed like it was miles now, and lets face
it, getting to these local shops and home again was all she could do
on a good pain day... oh Crap, you fool, how that hell will I get
home, she thought, leaning up against a concrete wall of the fish and
chip shop.
It
was getting dark, and the cold of night was starting to be noticeable,
that cool of the evening, seeped into her back, increased her pain
to a new level.
That
pain alone, added to her usual pain was too much, but added to, not
falling pain, oh shit, oh hell, she was beginning to panic, what could
she do, she looked around, not seeing anyone. Hell who was she
kidding, she wouldn't ask for help, and chances are no-one would
offer help, then she would only get more upset, when no one offered
help,
Lilly,
you just have to get home face it, even if she did have a cellphone,
she have no-one to ring, and she know how those ambulance drivers
were so mean to her. No, she had to get home, and tend to herself.
Not
one friend, and family she had nothing to do with for 13 or 14 years
now, her life was just waking in morning, turning the kettle on, as
she passed the kitchen to the bathroom to pee, getting a hot drink,
and making a hot water bottle then sitting in front of the computer,
apart from that same trip to the toilet and getting a new cup of tea,
and heating the hot water bottle, for her back, that was her day.
She
got to the alleyway, one side had a corrugated iron wall on one side,
a concret block wall on the other, she leaned against the concrete
bloke wall, just her bum touching the wall, the cold from the wall,
would in to too much, so leaning forward hands on her thighs, she
felt tears sting her eyes, quickly well in her eyes, and slip down
her face.
She
couldn't be bothered to wipe them away, she was only 30 yards closer
to her destination. She could barely breath, that pain, that the
night air caused, always meant she could barely breath.
So
what the hell, was she going to do, still 70 or so yards from home,
no fences or building to rest against between here and there, oh,
the power poles were on the other side of the road. 665
Wheely
bins, there were 2 wheely bins between where she had to be, and she
was now, that would help. So she started slowly ever so slowly
moving, focused on the 1st bin, limp in her left leg, and
stabbing pain in the right ankle, from the almost fall, aching mod
back, with griping vice like chest pain, barely able to inhale, the
normal pain neck and shoulder, as well as in lower back, hip.
Yeah
right, she thinks as she remembers that comment about only feeling
pain in one place at one.
One
short step after another, stopping every 3 or 4 steps, then every 2
or 3 steps, pain now in both ankles, tears steaming down her face,
another step, another step. Migraine was starting, dammit how many
types of pain could she have... the 1st bin slowly getting
closer, it was impossible to think about anything, except getting
there.
It
seemed like an hour, but was about 10 mins she guessed, she got to
the 1st bin, she leaned across the top of the bin, trying
to take the weight off the various joints up her body, that last
step, felt like every joint was swollen, inflamed with pain. She knew
there was no way she could walk between this bin and the next.
Leaning forward on her elbows, she hung her head, and cried. No one
was around, holding in the hopelessness of her situation was just
causing more pain, crying wasn't particularly helping either, her body
shaking with tears, it didn't matter, nothing mattered, crying was
hurting too much, so she stopped.
All
the years she had planned to end her life, when the pain got to bad,
every situation she had thought of, how bad the pain was, what and
how she would do it, never did she consider being stuck, on the
footpath, leaning over a bin of rubbish, knowing she couldn't go
forward, what would she have to do, just wait, and hope someone would
drive along the street, … I must look like an old drunk, if a car
was to come along, me learning like this, or waling like I am, I
would probably look like a drunk, if I was to fall in the ground,
again I would just look like a drunk, , I'm screwed she thought. I'm
screwed until morning.
It
was very dark and the cold night air, was biting into her back, she
could barely take take anymore of a breath than a small sniff of
breath. She tried to concentrate on her breathing, about how much of
a breath was she taking, half a cup, no much less than that, about
the area of an egg, smaller than that, maybe the size of an ice cube.
The
odd thing about this particular pain, the cold night air /unable to
take a normal breathe/crushing pain, was that often if I could just
stretch that area between my shoulder blades, and down a couple of
inches, if she could just stretch it in the right way, and her spine
would click, that particular pain would ease. Trouble was, often
trying to get her back to stretch it could not work, but instead pull
the muscles, which could make the pain worse.
1209
Making
herself stand up, the rubbish bin moved a little, she had assumed it
was full, but looking at it, it was the recycling bin, the
bin that was much than it would be if it was full, instantly she though, I wonder if I
could use the bin like a walking frame. Move it forward a few inches,
take a step, forward take a step. Then every time I need to I can use
it to rest against.
It
worked, she hobbled off towards home, it was slow progress, but it
was progress, since she couldn't take a decent breath, she had to
rest often, after another 15 metres, her muscles were screaming with
pain, feeling like they were going to cramp, she guessed because of
lack of oxygen.
But
she was almost to the next bin, and about 25 or 30 meters from the
door of her house, back to safely. She didn't care about her physical
safety, hell, she often fantasied about being murdered, how guest
would that be, only pain for a few hours, then never anymore pain, no
more anything, being murdered would be a bonus, a blessing, but
chances are, it would never happen to her.
She
eventually got home, the rubbish bin would just have to stay beside
her back door, inside she made a hot-water bottle for her back, a cup
of tea, and sat down at her computer, hot water-bottle between her
shoulder blades, she dropped 5 paindullers, there is no way, they kill
the pain, dull it was all it did. But if she overdosed just this much it seemed to do the trick, it wouldn't be good for her liver, but what the hell.
She
opened Facebook, and started to scroll down her wall,
Like
Like
Like
Share
Like
Like
comment, ROLF
miss
that post, and that one
Like
Like
Like
comment, ROLF
she thought, yeah right, I leave a comment that I'm rolling on the floor laughing, and here i am crying...
Like
comment Share
read
a blog post about pain,
read
a newspaper report about health
Private
message:
Janice
Sayer: Hey Lilly, I was starting to worry about you, been hours since
you've been on facebook.
Lilly
Alembe: Hi Janice, I went to the shop, and had a rest after I got
back.
Janice Sayer: Yeah, you were talking to me before you went to the shop, you said you'd be back in 20 minutes....
Janice Sayer: Yeah, you were talking to me before you went to the shop, you said you'd be back in 20 minutes....
Lilly
Alembe: Oh, sorry Janice, I totally forgot to let you know.
Janice
Sayer: No worries, I have to go to work now, have a good night, if
you have slept when I get home my night, I'll chat.
Lilly
Alembe: Ok, see yah. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee
Like
Like
Like
comment ROLF, Share
Miss
that post,
Share
Like
Like
Like
Like
comment, LOL
Share
Like
comment, LMBO
Like
Open
Candy Crush, level 35, Clear all jelly, and 130,000 points.
repeat
above a couple of times.. 40 minutes or so later,
She
realises pain has subsided, not gone, it was never gone, but she
would be able to take care of her normal day to day exsistance.
She
didn't believe she had a life, it was just staying alive, because her
body wouldn't die.
She though about lieing to Janice. She often lied to people
on facebook, would be typing LOL or LMAO while she was actually
crying, saying she was fine, when she was stuck in her chair, unable
to move, having to pee her pants, posting she had just had a lovely
hot shower, when truth was, she had turned the hot water off 6 weeks
ago, to save power, she usually couldn't shower herself anymore now
anyway. But it wasn't anything, people she would never meet, have to
know what her life is really like.
the wonderful thing about
facebook is, it's a fantasy life, oh sure there are people that want
to share their real life, but many many people have a fantasy life on
facebook. The
fantasy life online was just what worked, who would have believed
that at home, she was planning her own death.
Continues here
Continues here
