Twenty years ago, I broke my back, and for all of those years, I have been suicidal, I just never wanted to live, or never wanted to wake up.
I used to think, I wish I could find something worth living for, but looking at my life, I could never find anything. I believed at school I was a dummy, and never passed any exam. I found out about 12 years ago, I was just dyslexic, and I was in fact very intelligent, but by then it was too late to go back to school.
I lived with constant pain since that accident, and could never sit in a classroom now, doctors never listened to me, would never give me painkillers that worked for my pain, although I was on over 600 prescription drugs a month, they tried to get me to take anti-depressants, even though I always said and knew they weren't the answer. My life sucked, and it was never going to get better. I may as well die.
How I stopped taking them all those pills is another story, but in early April this year 2014, I stopped taking all of these pills above
. About a year ago, a charity that is close to my heart won a competition and received the use of a new Toyota car, I started thinking about how much it would cost to fill the gas tank, that lead thinking about maybe I could help fill the tank once. And maybe buy them a feed when they were driving it.
I started giving a small weekly donation to “The Key to Life Charity” its an organisation who Mike King is the front person for, part of the work they do, is “The Nutters Club” radio show on Newstalk ZB on Sunday night from 11pm until 1 am, a talkback show, that looks at Mental Health Issues in NZ, and Mike goes around to schools, talking to parents and students about asking for help, by talking about his life, and how long it took him to ask for help. Suicide prevention, without ever mentioning suicide, Mike said tonight on the show.
I decided that if I was going to die anyway, I may as well give them some money every week, and make sure before I died, I would fill the tank, and buy them a feed once. I lived on the invalids benefit, and was usually broke the day after I received my benefit, but decided, that since I was going to be broke anyway, why not give $5 a week, it really wouldn't make me even more broke, give that 5 bucks to something that may help someone else, it may help a teenager start the conversation that could change their direction in life.
I started noticing that each week, the rest of the money I got as a benefit, seemed to last longer, even though I was giving that donation every week. There was a time, I considered giving 20 a week, thinking I might have money all week.. lol..
A couple months later, a friend I met through “The Nutters Club NZ” facebook page, Ashley started fundraising for the Nutter Club, she was going to run in a marathon, and for a start I was down, that I could never do anything like that... but thinking about it more, I thought I could never run, but walking 2 km would be a marathon for me, so I went to the NZ Telecom “Make a Wish” website, and started a campaign with “The Key to Life” as the recipient, I pledged I would walk 2 km's on November 27th.
I managed to raise $160, and mused to myself that, that would be more than a tank of gas, so I would change the goal to two talks of gas, and a flash feed. But I always had to make the next payment before I could end my life.
I was still having down days, and suicidal days, but each time the suicidal thought became overwhelming, I would make that deal with myself, I could not suicide until after the next payment. Then was even a time, I just made a payment, and while doing it, thought, well now I can suicide, but remembered the deal was after the next payment, so I had to wait until the next benefit day.
Sudden;y I saw the humour in my deal with myself, I could never suicide cause there was always a next payment. I sat in my chair alone, and just laughed and laughed, My favourite quote “be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it” and and how How ironic it was, in a funny way, that my wish for something worth living for, had come true.
My life took a turn right around that time, I often found myself chuckling about how I could never suicide, cause I always had that next payment to make, my outlook on life lifted, I looked around facebook I got involved with another facebook group, and started working on a project they had going, a couple of months found another group of facebook, and started working on their website.
Through my proactive activity's in the second group, I was asked if I would stand for government in the coming elections, although I decided not to do that, part of process of coming to that decision, I sent a private message to the godfather of the law reform that I was helping with, who had been watching me, and the work I was doing. He and his partner have become very good friends, and ended up moving to Raetihi with them, tonight I enrolled at the correspondence school, to do a certificated course in horticulture, so I can live one of my dreams, to have a peace of paper that says I studied, completed and have a certificate saying I can do something.
At the same time, I'm about to embark on a project, that will see me fully employed, at 52 years old, after twenty years of thinking, planning, and attempting suicide. I finally understand, that I'm never going to change what happened when I was a kid, I can never make it better, all I can do, is put that hurt kid in a special place, send her loving thoughts, but not go there or stay there and become that kid again.
I am finding, that I have a use in life, and a whole life rest to live. Suicidal thoughts hasn't featured in my life at all in several months now. Something I would never have believed back in the bad, dark old days.
It certainly is true, you never do know what it just around the corner, over the hill, or over the horizon of your life. Find your own "next payment" you have to make, buy a packet of seeds,, and make a deal that you have to live to see the plant grow to an adult. it maybe volunteering once a week, or like me, 5 bucks to some organisation that needs it, find something, anything, that when you are at your lowest, you have a deal, of something you have to do on a day in the future.
Lynny
Lynny
