Pain will Kill Me (book 2)

Part 1 Here
While she was playing games, joking with facebook friends, listening to TV programmes on youtube, she was planning a way to end her life, it wasn't a momentary thing, it was a long term plan she had had, she was sick of doctors not taking her seriously about pain, not listening to her, doctors just believed she was seeking drugs, and while in a way they were right, she was wanting painkillers, but not because she wanted to abuse them, it was just wanted a backstop, something she could take to have complete contol over her pain, for 5 or 6 hours 5 times a week.

She used to have doctors for a few years, that gave her 20 morphine a month, along with paindullers, that were ok, as long as she didn't do anything. But with those 20 morphine, she could she could choose how to use them, she could choose to take them before bed, so she could have a restful sleep, and there was no doubt that restful sleep helped the pain, or she could make the choice to take one tablet 20 or so minutes before she went out, say to visit a friend, or to go food shopping, or to wonder around the shops, doing normal people stuff, when she took that 1 tablet, she would think in 6 hours I have to be home, and resting before it wears off, have taken another pain duller, and stay still, she could just have say 1 outing a week, and as long as she didn't overdo anything, she knew she would be ok after.

She didn't understand how pain worked, she did understand how her pain worked, without real painkillers, if she did go out, say to the doctor, sitting waiting for the doctor was very painful, sitting up straight always caused pain, but is was the pain afterwards that was the worst, an hours trip to the doctor, would mean extreme pain for the rest of the day, all over the night, and most often, keeping very still for the next day or two while the pain settled down, yet if she took a morphine, she could go to that same doctors appointment, then go to pick up prescription, maybe stop in and see a friend, and do the shopping. Come home, unpack the groceries, have an hour or so of painfree time, unwinding, and for some reason, when it wore off, there was that no residual pain from the movement, it was just back to the level it was before she went out.

If she could get into her body, she felt like increased pain seemed to inflame the overall pain, thinking about it now, that was what it was, moving, sitting in pain, maybe it did cause inflammation, that made sense, what was odd to her, if why if there was no pain at all, because of the morphine, that moving like she never could move without them, why that didn't cause pain later that didn't make sense, but she knew that her pain was like that.

The only way she had of keeping the pain at at bay, was to keep very still for as much as possible, she would sit in her cheap recliner chair all the hours she was awake, sitting with the computer monitor to her right, the creen was the same distance as her feet were, when the footrest was up, all she could do was get up every hour or so, turn the kettle on, as she walked past to the toilet, once she was finished there, walk back, make a cup of tee, and sit at the computer for another hour.

when you think there were 720 hours a month, and 20 morphine could last for 120 hours a month,

she could be ok to know that for 600 hours a month she would live with the pain, but for upto 120 hours, when that pain was at its worst, she could have the option of taking a real painkiller, and have a break, like tonight, she could have taken 1 pill, waited for 30 or so minutes, and be able to get home, without so much distress.

She wasn't in nasty pain all the time, if you gave her pain levels, number between 1 and 10,

pain without any extra movement, except outlined above, pain levels would be 4 to 5, getting up to do something like do dishes, or take a shower, pain 6, for an hour or so, cooking a meal, would have to be done over several hours, starting to prepare about lunchtime. Maybe doing two or three minutes every hour or so.

Going to the doctor, even in the days when she had a car, driving 10 minutes to the doctor, would mean about pain was upto 6, sitting for 30 or so minutes waiting to see doctor, standing, learning forward, sitting standing bum against the wall, leaning forward to relieve pain, by the time getting into doctor, pain was upto 7, going home upto 7'5, the rest of that day and night pain would still be 7, back to 6 to 6.5 by morning, to a constant 6.5 the next 8 or so hours, and dropping by .5 every eight to ten or so hours, until it got back to the usual 4-5

Now going to doctor, driving her mobility scooter about 20 minutes each way, pain would increase at least 1 point, be closer to 9 by the time she got home, but it would take 8 hours to lessen by .5 pain levels.

Of course going out again to get the prescription filled the following day, would inflame pain again.

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The pain had started almost 19 years ago, she had fallen down a flight of stairs, 18 steep steps on her bum, thump thump thump, 18 times, she lay sprawled on the floor at the bottom winded. When it happened, she had had 3 and 5 year olds in the bath upstairs in a bath, she couldn't call out to them, she got to her hands and knees and crawled to the steps, she used the rail to stand, got into the bathroom, and got the 3 year old out of the bath, lifting her out while she sat on the side of the bath, did more damage, she felt muscles pull in her back.

The 5 year old, was Libby's daughter, she helped her mum by helping dry and dress the younger child, and Libby sat giving encouragement, it was all she could do. The real pain started to set in while she rested, an hour or so lated by the time the children were ready for bed, she didn't feel she could move, so again the 5 year old, got bedding for everyone, and they slept in front of the TV. This all happened the night before Christmas, so Libby didn't get to the doctor until the 29^th, her flatmate had given her pain relief, and the doctor just sent her to the Chiropractor.

The pain did subside a little over the next few months, but as she started to gain weight, with her movement being severally restricted, anytime she did much more that what she was doing now all these years later, the pain would flair up, so she just rested. She found that alcohol eased the pain, and she used alcohol in the evening to get sleep. She never overdid the alcohol, just 2 or 3 glasses of wine after dinner, and never every night.

As time went on, doctors said she was faking, or she was depressed, or was attention seeking, or just a drug seeker. She eventaully gave up custody of her daughter, it wasn't fair that an then 8 year old, should have to look after her mother.

To be continued

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Lynnys wish list. (Updated)

Starting a wishlist, its not aimed at anyone, I just wanna put something somewhere I will remember, so I can add to it.

1. Repeat Feb 5th, 6th's & 7th day over many many times, I had a ball, Did interesting things, joined in some fun conversations, all combining in taking a massive risk, that worked out really well... My Dad would have been proud of me. Thank you all that participated in those day, in whatever way. 

2. One of my new friends has an awesome profile photo, and it reminded me of a service used to be here years ago, a glamour pamper yourself day ending in a photoshoot, you know haircut, hair colour, nails, makeup, one outfit of clothes, then photos to have forever. I'd love to do that, just be a real woman for one day... 

3. A computer program I actually own called Dragon Naturally Speaking, the full package, with the wifi headset. Done!!!!

4. $50 in my hand that I don't have to spend on something lol... Done !!!! Boris from the Nutters Club gave me a $50 note. to pay for the taxi back to the train station, and buy food on the trip back to Raetihi, I paid for the Taxi with other money, and didn't buy food... I still have that $50 note in my purse. :)

5. Learn public speaking. Toastmasters sort of thing.

6. Become a Doctor, a Pain Doctor, I reckon I would be an awesome, I actually have so many skills already, I could quote easily become world renowned, and teach doctors everywhere what they are often doing so very wrong now.

7. Get replacement drivers Licence and Passport (got stolen about 15 months ago, never thought I'd want to use it again)

This forgiveness thing, does it work?

I have recently come through a very dark period in my life, and it just occurred to me to, while looking through some websites, looking for writing I had done years ago, that forgiveness does work, I think. 

A couple of months ago, I rang my ex, it was a very messy breakup, over 2 years ago, all I said on this call was, was Hi Kym, its Lynny, and she went off at me, telling me to never ring or contact her again, and hung up the phone before I could even say why I rang.

I cried about how it had come to this, after 11 years, cried for a week or so, and then someone said something to me, I can't even remember what it was exactly, something about the breakup over 2 years ago wasn't my fault. 

Anyway, suddenly the tears were gone, and when alone, I just thought, I forgive you Kym. She never heard it, she couldn't she's in the States, I'm here in NZ, she never will hear it, lol, I would prolly get another mouthful of cuss words if she did lol... anyway, thats the point really, she won't know. 

I was just numb for a couple of months, my life now of chronic pain took over, another suicide attempt, and then last night, when I was looking at the vid facebook made for its 10th birthday, because it choose the pictures, there were a photos of her, and things we had done, all reminders of her. 

And I realized I was smiling, then chuckling, that laughing about various great things that happened back then, when things were good. 

During the night, I went search DeviantART where artists met, I found some stuff she had written about me, a couple of poems she had written, back in the good old days.

It seemed the more I looked around the internet, for stuff to gather here in my facebook notes, the more I found of her, things she had written as writer bios, or comments she had made on various articles I have written, the memories have flooded back, the good memories I mean,  

Even now while writing this, I different good memories are surfacing, my point is, that a couple of months ago, when I forgave her, first all I noticed was I didn't feel anything, after so much turmoil over the past couple of years, and now I'm totally over the bad stuff,  as quickly as a switch being turned off, and I have to really wonder if that forgiveness really does work.

I haven't spoken to my family for 11 years, and there's a lot of bad blood there, gunna try this forgiveness stuff with one of them, they don't need to know, and it seems I don't even have to think exactly what I forgive them for, just think I forgive you... will let you know what happens. 

To be continued... 

This forgiveness thing, does it work? (Feb 6th '14)

I have recently come through a very dark period in my life, and it just occured to me to, while looking through some websites, looking for writing I had done years ago, that forgiveness does work, I think. 

A couple of months ago, I rang my ex, it was a very messy breakup, over 2 years ago, all I said on this call was, was Hi Kym, its Lynny, and she went off at me, telling me to never ring or contact her again, and hung up the phone before I could even say why I rang.

I cried about how it had come to this, after 10 years, cried for a week or so, and then someone said something to me, I can't even remember what it was exactly, something about the breakup over 2 years ago wasn't my fault.

Anyway, suddenly the tears were gone, and when alone, I just thought, I forgive you Kym. She never heard it, she couldn't she's in the States, I'm here in NZ, she never will hear it, lol, I would prolly get another mouthful of cuss words if she did lol... anyway, that's the point really, she won't know.

I was just numb for a couple of months, my life now of chronic pain took over, another suicide attempt, and then last night, when I was looking at the vid facebook made for its 10th birthday, because it choose the pictures, there were a photos of her, and things we had done, all reminders of her.

And I realised I was smiling, then chuckling, that laughing about various great things that happened back then, when things were good.

During the night, I went search DeviantART where artists met, I found some stuff she had written about me, a couple of poems she had written, back in the good old days.

It seemed the more I looked around the internet, for stuff to gather here in my facebook notes, the more I found of her, things she had written as writer bios, or comments she had made on various articles I have written, the memories have flooded back, the good memories I mean,

Even now while writing this, I different good memories are surfacing, my point is, that a couple of months ago, when I forgave her, first all I noticed was I didn't feel anything, after so much turmoil over the past couple of years, and now I'm totally over the bad stuff,  as quickly as a switch being turned off, and I have to really wonder if that forgiveness really does work.

I haven't spoken to my family for 11 years, and there's a lot of bad blood there, gunna try this forgiveness stuff with one of them, they don't need to know, and it seems I don't even have to think exactly what I forgive them for, just think I forgive you... will let you know what happens.

To be continued...