Part 1 Here
While she was playing games, joking with facebook friends, listening to TV programmes on youtube, she was planning a way to end her life, it wasn't a momentary thing, it was a long term plan she had had, she was sick of doctors not taking her seriously about pain, not listening to her, doctors just believed she was seeking drugs, and while in a way they were right, she was wanting painkillers, but not because she wanted to abuse them, it was just wanted a backstop, something she could take to have complete contol over her pain, for 5 or 6 hours 5 times a week.
While she was playing games, joking with facebook friends, listening to TV programmes on youtube, she was planning a way to end her life, it wasn't a momentary thing, it was a long term plan she had had, she was sick of doctors not taking her seriously about pain, not listening to her, doctors just believed she was seeking drugs, and while in a way they were right, she was wanting painkillers, but not because she wanted to abuse them, it was just wanted a backstop, something she could take to have complete contol over her pain, for 5 or 6 hours 5 times a week.
She used to have doctors for a few years, that gave her 20 morphine a month, along with paindullers, that were ok, as long as she didn't do anything. But with those 20 morphine, she could she could choose how to use them, she could choose to take them before bed, so she could have a restful sleep, and there was no doubt that restful sleep helped the pain, or she could make the choice to take one tablet 20 or so minutes before she went out, say to visit a friend, or to go food shopping, or to wonder around the shops, doing normal people stuff, when she took that 1 tablet, she would think in 6 hours I have to be home, and resting before it wears off, have taken another pain duller, and stay still, she could just have say 1 outing a week, and as long as she didn't overdo anything, she knew she would be ok after.
She didn't understand how pain worked, she did understand how her pain worked, without real painkillers, if she did go out, say to the doctor, sitting waiting for the doctor was very painful, sitting up straight always caused pain, but is was the pain afterwards that was the worst, an hours trip to the doctor, would mean extreme pain for the rest of the day, all over the night, and most often, keeping very still for the next day or two while the pain settled down, yet if she took a morphine, she could go to that same doctors appointment, then go to pick up prescription, maybe stop in and see a friend, and do the shopping. Come home, unpack the groceries, have an hour or so of painfree time, unwinding, and for some reason, when it wore off, there was that no residual pain from the movement, it was just back to the level it was before she went out.
If she could get into her body, she felt like increased pain seemed to inflame the overall pain, thinking about it now, that was what it was, moving, sitting in pain, maybe it did cause inflammation, that made sense, what was odd to her, if why if there was no pain at all, because of the morphine, that moving like she never could move without them, why that didn't cause pain later that didn't make sense, but she knew that her pain was like that.
The only way she had of keeping the pain at at bay, was to keep very still for as much as possible, she would sit in her cheap recliner chair all the hours she was awake, sitting with the computer monitor to her right, the creen was the same distance as her feet were, when the footrest was up, all she could do was get up every hour or so, turn the kettle on, as she walked past to the toilet, once she was finished there, walk back, make a cup of tee, and sit at the computer for another hour.
when you think there were 720 hours a month, and 20 morphine could last for 120 hours a month,
she could be ok to know that for 600 hours a month she would live with the pain, but for upto 120 hours, when that pain was at its worst, she could have the option of taking a real painkiller, and have a break, like tonight, she could have taken 1 pill, waited for 30 or so minutes, and be able to get home, without so much distress.
She wasn't in nasty pain all the time, if you gave her pain levels, number between 1 and 10,
pain without any extra movement, except outlined above, pain levels would be 4 to 5, getting up to do something like do dishes, or take a shower, pain 6, for an hour or so, cooking a meal, would have to be done over several hours, starting to prepare about lunchtime. Maybe doing two or three minutes every hour or so.
Going to the doctor, even in the days when she had a car, driving 10 minutes to the doctor, would mean about pain was upto 6, sitting for 30 or so minutes waiting to see doctor, standing, learning forward, sitting standing bum against the wall, leaning forward to relieve pain, by the time getting into doctor, pain was upto 7, going home upto 7'5, the rest of that day and night pain would still be 7, back to 6 to 6.5 by morning, to a constant 6.5 the next 8 or so hours, and dropping by .5 every eight to ten or so hours, until it got back to the usual 4-5
Now going to doctor, driving her mobility scooter about 20 minutes each way, pain would increase at least 1 point, be closer to 9 by the time she got home, but it would take 8 hours to lessen by .5 pain levels.
Of course going out again to get the prescription filled the following day, would inflame pain again.
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The pain had started almost 19 years ago, she had fallen down a flight of stairs, 18 steep steps on her bum, thump thump thump, 18 times, she lay sprawled on the floor at the bottom winded. When it happened, she had had 3 and 5 year olds in the bath upstairs in a bath, she couldn't call out to them, she got to her hands and knees and crawled to the steps, she used the rail to stand, got into the bathroom, and got the 3 year old out of the bath, lifting her out while she sat on the side of the bath, did more damage, she felt muscles pull in her back.
The 5 year old, was Libby's daughter, she helped her mum by helping dry and dress the younger child, and Libby sat giving encouragement, it was all she could do. The real pain started to set in while she rested, an hour or so lated by the time the children were ready for bed, she didn't feel she could move, so again the 5 year old, got bedding for everyone, and they slept in front of the TV. This all happened the night before Christmas, so Libby didn't get to the doctor until the 29th, her flatmate had given her pain relief, and the doctor just sent her to the Chiropractor.
The pain did subside a little over the next few months, but as she started to gain weight, with her movement being severally restricted, anytime she did much more that what she was doing now all these years later, the pain would flair up, so she just rested. She found that alcohol eased the pain, and she used alcohol in the evening to get sleep. She never overdid the alcohol, just 2 or 3 glasses of wine after dinner, and never every night.
As time went on, doctors said she was faking, or she was depressed, or was attention seeking, or just a drug seeker. She eventaully gave up custody of her daughter, it wasn't fair that an then 8 year old, should have to look after her mother.
To be continued
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