Who Knows What Tomorrow Will Bring.

A facebook post to Mike King, telling him the story of my recovery. 

Twenty years ago, I broke my back, and for all of those years, I have been suicidal, I just never wanted to live, or never wanted to wake up.

I used to think, I wish I could find something worth living for, but looking at my life, I could never find anything. I believed at school I was a dummy, and never passed any exam. I found out about 12 years ago, I was just dyslexic, and I was in fact very intelligent, but by then it was too late to go back to school.

I lived with constant pain since that accident, and could never sit in a classroom now, doctors never listened to me, would never give me painkillers that worked for my pain, although I was on over 600 prescription drugs a month, they tried to get me to take anti-depressants, even though I always said and knew they weren't the answer.  My life sucked, and it was never going to get better. I may as well die.

How I stopped taking them all those pills is another story, but in early April this year 2014, I stopped taking all of these pills above
. About a year ago, a charity that is close to my heart won a competition and received the use of a new Toyota car, I started thinking about how much it would cost to fill the gas tank, that lead thinking about maybe I could help fill the tank once. And maybe buy them a feed when they were driving it.

I started giving a small weekly donation to “The Key to Life Charity” its an organisation who Mike King is the front person for, part of the work they do, is “The Nutters Club” radio show on Newstalk ZB on Sunday night from 11pm until 1 am, a talkback show, that looks at Mental Health Issues in NZ, and Mike goes around to schools, talking to parents and students about asking for help, by talking about his life, and how long it took him to ask for help. Suicide prevention, without ever mentioning suicide, Mike said tonight on the show.

I decided that if I was going to die anyway, I may as well give them some money every week, and make sure before I died, I would fill the tank, and buy them a feed once. I lived on the invalids benefit, and was usually broke the day after I received my benefit, but decided, that since I was going to be broke anyway, why not give $5 a week, it really wouldn't make me even more broke, give that 5 bucks to something that may help someone else, it may help a teenager start the conversation that could change their direction in life.

I started noticing that each week, the rest of the money I got as a benefit, seemed to last longer, even though I was giving that donation every week. There was a time, I considered giving 20 a week, thinking I might have money all week.. lol.. 

A couple months later, a friend I met through “The Nutters Club NZ” facebook page, Ashley started fundraising for the Nutter Club, she was going to run in a marathon, and for a start I was down, that I could never do anything like that... but thinking about it more, I thought I could never run, but walking 2 km would be a marathon for me, so I went to the NZ Telecom “Make a Wish” website, and started a campaign with “The Key to Life” as the recipient, I pledged I would walk 2 km's on November 27th.

I managed to raise $160, and mused to myself that, that would be more than a tank of gas, so I would change the goal to two talks of gas, and a flash feed. But I always had to make the next payment before I could end my life.

I was still having down days, and suicidal days, but each time the suicidal thought became overwhelming, I would make that deal with myself, I could not suicide until after the next payment. Then was even a time, I just made a payment, and while doing it, thought, well now I can suicide, but remembered the deal was after the next payment, so I had to wait until the next benefit day. 

Sudden;y I saw the humour in my deal with myself, I could never suicide cause there was always a next payment. I sat in my chair alone, and just laughed and laughed, My favourite quote “be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it” and and how How ironic it was, in a funny way, that my wish for something worth living for, had come true.

My life took a turn right around that time, I often found myself chuckling about how I could never suicide, cause I always had that next payment to make, my outlook on life lifted, I looked around facebook I got involved with another facebook group, and started working on a project they had going, a couple of months found another group of facebook, and started working on their website.

Through my proactive activity's in the second group, I was asked if I would stand for government in the coming elections, although I decided not to do that, part of process of coming to that decision, I sent a private message to the godfather of the law reform that I was helping with, who had been watching me, and the work I was doing. He and his partner have become very good friends, and ended up moving to Raetihi with them, tonight I enrolled at the correspondence school, to do a certificated course in horticulture, so I can live one of my dreams, to have a peace of paper that says I studied, completed and have a certificate saying I can do something.

At the same time, I'm about to embark on a project, that will see me fully employed, at 52 years old, after twenty years of thinking, planning, and attempting suicide. I finally understand, that I'm never going to change what happened when I was a kid, I can never make it better, all I can do, is put that hurt kid in a special place, send her loving thoughts, but not go there or stay there and become that kid again.

I am finding, that I have a use in life, and a whole life rest to live. Suicidal thoughts hasn't featured in my life at all in several months now. Something I would never have believed back in the bad, dark old days.

It certainly is true, you never do know what it just around the corner, over the hill, or over the horizon of your life. Find your own "next payment" you have to make, buy a packet of seeds,, and make a deal that you have to live to see the plant grow to an adult. it maybe volunteering once a week, or like me, 5 bucks to some organisation that needs it, find something, anything, that when you are at your lowest, you have a deal, of something you have to do on a day in the future. 

Lynny

Pain controlled at last update 1 month Later

Pain Cream Update. 
Its been over a month now, since I stopped taking all my various regular prescription medications(close enough to 500 pills a month), and started using the pain cream. 

Things are going particularly well, my brain (thinking and memory) is back working at peak performance, (better than before the stroke), Pain levels are down to nothing except on days when I over do it, then its just a case of using another lot of cream. 

I have started sleeping every night, and have not had any nightmares at all. I used to have them most times I slept, and I even had a dream the other night, I can't remember having a dream ever. 

I have not been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, and I'm building up the distance I can walk without stopping. No fybro flareups at all, I'm a truly different person. 

I have had several people try the cream, for many different health issues, and all have had great relief from this wonder pain cream,

Contact me, if you want to learn more about the Pain Cream

Ways of Ingesting Cannabis in Food

Ways of ingesting cannabis in food. If you can't or don't like smoking, here's a few ideas for using it in cooking, so you only need a small amount. I haven't done these since I lived in the states, but would work the same here. 

1. Get one of those glass herb bottles, and with the crumble y tiny bits, save them, and trim, crumbled up small it looks like any other herb. 

2. If you have a frozen pizza, sprinkle these crumbs of a couple of pieces, add a wee bit of extra cheese and some oregano covers the taste a bit, and cook as usual, or sprinkle you special herb on some cooked pizza, same thing.

3. get some snack crackers, and any pizza like toppings, or just cheese, grate cheese and sprinkle on top of crackers, crumble a wee big of dak in among the cheese, sprinkle with pepper, and oregano, grill them until cheese is just melted, and eat them, quick easy and yummy, especially if you have a couple of slices of salami, just a tiny bit on each cracker, a bit of tomato or stuff like that.

4. Someone in the group said they make a milky milo, and put some cannabis in it, I guess while he boils the milk. 

5. Same goes for chai, or any milky drink.

6. If you are making a gravy, sprinkle some in the gravy in the last couple of minutes of cooking. 

7. Sprinkle on the butter or sour cream on a baked potato. 

have you got any other ideas for a quick easy snack?

Cannabis Pain Cream Reports 2

2 more Cream Reports

1. Lynny that cream is amazing. I have arthritis in my feet. especially my toe and ankle joints plus stuff from my diabetes. Told the doctor I have been using it on my feet and he kinda just gave me THAT look so I just told him Whatever and laughed.
2. The ointment is helping quite a bit
it is really activating when you use it. there is a tingling unlike other ointment
Well, I find it works for both my osteoarthritis when I rub it in, it stops the broken glass feeling ( hard to rub in though).
And it works for my CRPS, as it starts a painful tingling feeling like it's receiving bloodflow it normally doesn't. I quite like the numbing and tingling feeling,

So thats
4 people with arthritis both Osteo and Rheumatoid Arthritis, from early stages to severe, have all reported it helps with the pain and movement, 1 person said it didn't take away all the pain, but definitely took took pain down from 8/10 to a quite manageable 4-5 out of 10 pain level
2 people with fibro, one severe one not so severe, both reported completely pain free for 5 hours per application.
1 chronic back pain from and old injury, complete pain relief. 4 to 6 hours.
1 with CRPS thats having some relief.

Cannabis Pain Cream report

Last night I spoke to my friend with fibromyalgia, I gave her some some of those pain cream to try. She has been using it regularly for 5 days now, and said its working really well, she is going through a stage where her sleeping is very disrupted, and she said if her pain wasn't so well controlled she would have lost the plot over the past 3 or 4 days. So I have an order from her for a bigger pot, that will last about at least a month or so. 

If anyone wants an order, let me know, I can't send them until prolly next week, will just need the postage the bigger containers, ask me privately, 

Thank you so much "Dakta Farmy Suitical" for making this cream, love you guys,

Cannabis Pain Cream Reports 1

Arthritic Hands I was just talking to someone on skype, While they tried this cream I'm using, on their arthritis, In the hands, He put it on, 

And was talking to me about something else, and after about five minutes or so, I asked him How was hands were, and he was totally amazed, that the pain had Totally gone. The three people, chronic lower back pain, fibromyalgia, And arthritic hands, The cream has worked totally for, that's exciting Don't you think? 

A lot has been made tonight, and they think they can make only about one will brew, without getting another source to the herbal content  

So, We have decided that, It's available only GreenCross members. So if you are a member GreenCross yet, go to this link, and downloading Either the "GREENCROSS NZ Patient-Doctor FORM" That you need to get a doctor to sign, or "The support membership Application" form, lets start helping people be out of pain. I will have a small 2tsp (approx) sample or a larger container.
http://greencross.org.nz/wordpress/signup

Pain controlled at last (update)

I see a mental health worker every 2-3 weeks, she just came in, with a discharge letter from the service here and was totally blown away, at how alert, engaging, happy, energetic, now much packing I had done myself, how well I was moving with little pain, she said I looked and acted more normal that most people in her non-worklife. 

And first asked me if I had won lotto or something, since I was so different to when she saw me almost 2 weeks ago, before I received that cannabis cream. 

I have often talked to her about my experience with cannabis in the states, and what I had learnt since working on the website.

She is a good scout, so I told her that I was totally prescription drug free, since I last saw her, and it happened that I hadn't used the cream today yet, so I showed her the cream, let her smell it, and I showed her how I used it. 

Anyway conversation turned to her mother, who she has just heard has been given a death sentence with lung cancer, and emphysema, and how she is going to north island to help care for their this Thursday. 

She asked if cannabis would help her mother, blah blah, I explained how she might use it for her mother... and SHE IS GOING TO DO IT.... (put some cannabis into her mothers food, I showed her how much, wht to cover the taste of it with (oregano) with just some normal thyme I have here) lol... she has also said that after watching me, she would definitely make sure she votes for legalization for medical use. 

Its lovely to get some really positive feedback from someone, that generally doesn't have anything to do with cannabis, and has never even had a puff. 

Pain controlled at last

Today I changed a light bulb, vacuumed the floor, stood on a stool and cleared out a top cupboard, put out my own rubbish, walked almost 4km's (ok I had to sit a few times, but still) cooked a meal, and did some yoga exercises.

I also have a clear head, and can think properly, and have been smiling and singing most of the day. I guess it doesn't sound like much. But to Me its a massive achievement. Almost 20 years ago, I broke my back, and have been in constant pain ever since.... so whats different now??

Almost a week ago I took my last painkillers, anxiety, sleeping pills, and started using a cream sent to me by a special friend, I have never meet.

Until this morning the withdrawals from that cocktails of drugs the doctor keeps giving me has been pretty hellish. But it doesn't matter now, it was so worth it. 

This cream by the way is made with Cannabis, only need to apply it topically 3 or 4 times a day, and with a few minutes, I'm painfree, and I can actually think clearly I didn't think either thing was really possible at the same time. 

A heartfelt thank you Dakta Farmy Suitical

Pain will Kill Me (book 2)

Part 1 Here
While she was playing games, joking with facebook friends, listening to TV programmes on youtube, she was planning a way to end her life, it wasn't a momentary thing, it was a long term plan she had had, she was sick of doctors not taking her seriously about pain, not listening to her, doctors just believed she was seeking drugs, and while in a way they were right, she was wanting painkillers, but not because she wanted to abuse them, it was just wanted a backstop, something she could take to have complete contol over her pain, for 5 or 6 hours 5 times a week.

She used to have doctors for a few years, that gave her 20 morphine a month, along with paindullers, that were ok, as long as she didn't do anything. But with those 20 morphine, she could she could choose how to use them, she could choose to take them before bed, so she could have a restful sleep, and there was no doubt that restful sleep helped the pain, or she could make the choice to take one tablet 20 or so minutes before she went out, say to visit a friend, or to go food shopping, or to wonder around the shops, doing normal people stuff, when she took that 1 tablet, she would think in 6 hours I have to be home, and resting before it wears off, have taken another pain duller, and stay still, she could just have say 1 outing a week, and as long as she didn't overdo anything, she knew she would be ok after.

She didn't understand how pain worked, she did understand how her pain worked, without real painkillers, if she did go out, say to the doctor, sitting waiting for the doctor was very painful, sitting up straight always caused pain, but is was the pain afterwards that was the worst, an hours trip to the doctor, would mean extreme pain for the rest of the day, all over the night, and most often, keeping very still for the next day or two while the pain settled down, yet if she took a morphine, she could go to that same doctors appointment, then go to pick up prescription, maybe stop in and see a friend, and do the shopping. Come home, unpack the groceries, have an hour or so of painfree time, unwinding, and for some reason, when it wore off, there was that no residual pain from the movement, it was just back to the level it was before she went out.

If she could get into her body, she felt like increased pain seemed to inflame the overall pain, thinking about it now, that was what it was, moving, sitting in pain, maybe it did cause inflammation, that made sense, what was odd to her, if why if there was no pain at all, because of the morphine, that moving like she never could move without them, why that didn't cause pain later that didn't make sense, but she knew that her pain was like that.

The only way she had of keeping the pain at at bay, was to keep very still for as much as possible, she would sit in her cheap recliner chair all the hours she was awake, sitting with the computer monitor to her right, the creen was the same distance as her feet were, when the footrest was up, all she could do was get up every hour or so, turn the kettle on, as she walked past to the toilet, once she was finished there, walk back, make a cup of tee, and sit at the computer for another hour.

when you think there were 720 hours a month, and 20 morphine could last for 120 hours a month,

she could be ok to know that for 600 hours a month she would live with the pain, but for upto 120 hours, when that pain was at its worst, she could have the option of taking a real painkiller, and have a break, like tonight, she could have taken 1 pill, waited for 30 or so minutes, and be able to get home, without so much distress.

She wasn't in nasty pain all the time, if you gave her pain levels, number between 1 and 10,

pain without any extra movement, except outlined above, pain levels would be 4 to 5, getting up to do something like do dishes, or take a shower, pain 6, for an hour or so, cooking a meal, would have to be done over several hours, starting to prepare about lunchtime. Maybe doing two or three minutes every hour or so.

Going to the doctor, even in the days when she had a car, driving 10 minutes to the doctor, would mean about pain was upto 6, sitting for 30 or so minutes waiting to see doctor, standing, learning forward, sitting standing bum against the wall, leaning forward to relieve pain, by the time getting into doctor, pain was upto 7, going home upto 7'5, the rest of that day and night pain would still be 7, back to 6 to 6.5 by morning, to a constant 6.5 the next 8 or so hours, and dropping by .5 every eight to ten or so hours, until it got back to the usual 4-5

Now going to doctor, driving her mobility scooter about 20 minutes each way, pain would increase at least 1 point, be closer to 9 by the time she got home, but it would take 8 hours to lessen by .5 pain levels.

Of course going out again to get the prescription filled the following day, would inflame pain again.

                                ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]-----------------[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

The pain had started almost 19 years ago, she had fallen down a flight of stairs, 18 steep steps on her bum, thump thump thump, 18 times, she lay sprawled on the floor at the bottom winded. When it happened, she had had 3 and 5 year olds in the bath upstairs in a bath, she couldn't call out to them, she got to her hands and knees and crawled to the steps, she used the rail to stand, got into the bathroom, and got the 3 year old out of the bath, lifting her out while she sat on the side of the bath, did more damage, she felt muscles pull in her back.

The 5 year old, was Libby's daughter, she helped her mum by helping dry and dress the younger child, and Libby sat giving encouragement, it was all she could do. The real pain started to set in while she rested, an hour or so lated by the time the children were ready for bed, she didn't feel she could move, so again the 5 year old, got bedding for everyone, and they slept in front of the TV. This all happened the night before Christmas, so Libby didn't get to the doctor until the 29^th, her flatmate had given her pain relief, and the doctor just sent her to the Chiropractor.

The pain did subside a little over the next few months, but as she started to gain weight, with her movement being severally restricted, anytime she did much more that what she was doing now all these years later, the pain would flair up, so she just rested. She found that alcohol eased the pain, and she used alcohol in the evening to get sleep. She never overdid the alcohol, just 2 or 3 glasses of wine after dinner, and never every night.

As time went on, doctors said she was faking, or she was depressed, or was attention seeking, or just a drug seeker. She eventaully gave up custody of her daughter, it wasn't fair that an then 8 year old, should have to look after her mother.

To be continued

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Lynnys wish list. (Updated)

Starting a wishlist, its not aimed at anyone, I just wanna put something somewhere I will remember, so I can add to it.

1. Repeat Feb 5th, 6th's & 7th day over many many times, I had a ball, Did interesting things, joined in some fun conversations, all combining in taking a massive risk, that worked out really well... My Dad would have been proud of me. Thank you all that participated in those day, in whatever way. 

2. One of my new friends has an awesome profile photo, and it reminded me of a service used to be here years ago, a glamour pamper yourself day ending in a photoshoot, you know haircut, hair colour, nails, makeup, one outfit of clothes, then photos to have forever. I'd love to do that, just be a real woman for one day... 

3. A computer program I actually own called Dragon Naturally Speaking, the full package, with the wifi headset. Done!!!!

4. $50 in my hand that I don't have to spend on something lol... Done !!!! Boris from the Nutters Club gave me a $50 note. to pay for the taxi back to the train station, and buy food on the trip back to Raetihi, I paid for the Taxi with other money, and didn't buy food... I still have that $50 note in my purse. :)

5. Learn public speaking. Toastmasters sort of thing.

6. Become a Doctor, a Pain Doctor, I reckon I would be an awesome, I actually have so many skills already, I could quote easily become world renowned, and teach doctors everywhere what they are often doing so very wrong now.

7. Get replacement drivers Licence and Passport (got stolen about 15 months ago, never thought I'd want to use it again)

This forgiveness thing, does it work?

I have recently come through a very dark period in my life, and it just occurred to me to, while looking through some websites, looking for writing I had done years ago, that forgiveness does work, I think. 

A couple of months ago, I rang my ex, it was a very messy breakup, over 2 years ago, all I said on this call was, was Hi Kym, its Lynny, and she went off at me, telling me to never ring or contact her again, and hung up the phone before I could even say why I rang.

I cried about how it had come to this, after 11 years, cried for a week or so, and then someone said something to me, I can't even remember what it was exactly, something about the breakup over 2 years ago wasn't my fault. 

Anyway, suddenly the tears were gone, and when alone, I just thought, I forgive you Kym. She never heard it, she couldn't she's in the States, I'm here in NZ, she never will hear it, lol, I would prolly get another mouthful of cuss words if she did lol... anyway, thats the point really, she won't know. 

I was just numb for a couple of months, my life now of chronic pain took over, another suicide attempt, and then last night, when I was looking at the vid facebook made for its 10th birthday, because it choose the pictures, there were a photos of her, and things we had done, all reminders of her. 

And I realized I was smiling, then chuckling, that laughing about various great things that happened back then, when things were good. 

During the night, I went search DeviantART where artists met, I found some stuff she had written about me, a couple of poems she had written, back in the good old days.

It seemed the more I looked around the internet, for stuff to gather here in my facebook notes, the more I found of her, things she had written as writer bios, or comments she had made on various articles I have written, the memories have flooded back, the good memories I mean,  

Even now while writing this, I different good memories are surfacing, my point is, that a couple of months ago, when I forgave her, first all I noticed was I didn't feel anything, after so much turmoil over the past couple of years, and now I'm totally over the bad stuff,  as quickly as a switch being turned off, and I have to really wonder if that forgiveness really does work.

I haven't spoken to my family for 11 years, and there's a lot of bad blood there, gunna try this forgiveness stuff with one of them, they don't need to know, and it seems I don't even have to think exactly what I forgive them for, just think I forgive you... will let you know what happens. 

To be continued... 

This forgiveness thing, does it work? (Feb 6th '14)

I have recently come through a very dark period in my life, and it just occured to me to, while looking through some websites, looking for writing I had done years ago, that forgiveness does work, I think. 

A couple of months ago, I rang my ex, it was a very messy breakup, over 2 years ago, all I said on this call was, was Hi Kym, its Lynny, and she went off at me, telling me to never ring or contact her again, and hung up the phone before I could even say why I rang.

I cried about how it had come to this, after 10 years, cried for a week or so, and then someone said something to me, I can't even remember what it was exactly, something about the breakup over 2 years ago wasn't my fault.

Anyway, suddenly the tears were gone, and when alone, I just thought, I forgive you Kym. She never heard it, she couldn't she's in the States, I'm here in NZ, she never will hear it, lol, I would prolly get another mouthful of cuss words if she did lol... anyway, that's the point really, she won't know.

I was just numb for a couple of months, my life now of chronic pain took over, another suicide attempt, and then last night, when I was looking at the vid facebook made for its 10th birthday, because it choose the pictures, there were a photos of her, and things we had done, all reminders of her.

And I realised I was smiling, then chuckling, that laughing about various great things that happened back then, when things were good.

During the night, I went search DeviantART where artists met, I found some stuff she had written about me, a couple of poems she had written, back in the good old days.

It seemed the more I looked around the internet, for stuff to gather here in my facebook notes, the more I found of her, things she had written as writer bios, or comments she had made on various articles I have written, the memories have flooded back, the good memories I mean,

Even now while writing this, I different good memories are surfacing, my point is, that a couple of months ago, when I forgave her, first all I noticed was I didn't feel anything, after so much turmoil over the past couple of years, and now I'm totally over the bad stuff,  as quickly as a switch being turned off, and I have to really wonder if that forgiveness really does work.

I haven't spoken to my family for 11 years, and there's a lot of bad blood there, gunna try this forgiveness stuff with one of them, they don't need to know, and it seems I don't even have to think exactly what I forgive them for, just think I forgive you... will let you know what happens.

To be continued... 

Life is like that (book 1)

She looked up at the winning lottery numbers, while standing in the local dairy, they look like my numbers she thought. Not really thinking she had won, but checking her purse, she didn't have her ticket, so just thought she must remember to check it, online later. She let the fantasy of “winning the lottery” stay playing in her mind.

Oh how it would change things, how wonderful it would be. Musings floated through her head, a picture of herself, walking without pain, walking into her home, that was clean and tidy, and seeing her new paid companion smiling and laughing, the fantasy came to an abrupt end, as she tripped, although she didn't fall, often falling is a better option than not, because the way you move so quickly, and all your weight suddenly stops can do far more damage to your body. This was one of those times, that saving herself from falling, had cause pain to spring from what seemed like every muscle of her body.

God dammit, what an idiot you are old woman, she thought, you know, better than to stopping yourself from falling like that, that was a nasty trip, and the pain will be horrendous. At that same moment, she realised, she hadn't brought her mobility scooter, so she would have to walk home, it really wasn't far, she could see the tall tree in the corner of the section where she lived, it was only just over 100 meters away, but hell it seemed like it was miles now, and lets face it, getting to these local shops and home again was all she could do on a good pain day... oh Crap, you fool, how that hell will I get home, she thought, leaning up against a concrete wall of the fish and chip shop.

It was getting dark, and the cold of night was starting to be noticeable, that cool of the evening, seeped into her back, increased her pain to a new level.

That pain alone, added to her usual pain was too much, but added to, not falling pain, oh shit, oh hell, she was beginning to panic, what could she do, she looked around, not seeing anyone. Hell who was she kidding, she wouldn't ask for help, and chances are no-one would offer help, then she would only get more upset, when no one offered help,

Lilly, you just have to get home face it, even if she did have a cellphone, she have no-one to ring, and she know how those ambulance drivers were so mean to her. No, she had to get home, and tend to herself.

Not one friend, and family she had nothing to do with for 13 or 14 years now, her life was just waking in morning, turning the kettle on, as she passed the kitchen to the bathroom to pee, getting a hot drink, and making a hot water bottle then sitting in front of the computer, apart from that same trip to the toilet and getting a new cup of tea, and heating the hot water bottle, for her back, that was her day.

She got to the alleyway, one side had a corrugated iron wall on one side, a concret block wall on the other, she leaned against the concrete bloke wall, just her bum touching the wall, the cold from the wall, would in to too much, so leaning forward hands on her thighs, she felt tears sting her eyes, quickly well in her eyes, and slip down her face.

She couldn't be bothered to wipe them away, she was only 30 yards closer to her destination. She could barely breath, that pain, that the night air caused, always meant she could barely breath.

So what the hell, was she going to do, still 70 or so yards from home, no fences or building to rest against between here and there, oh, the power poles were on the other side of the road. 665

Wheely bins, there were 2 wheely bins between where she had to be, and she was now, that would help. So she started slowly ever so slowly moving, focused on the 1^st bin, limp in her left leg, and stabbing pain in the right ankle, from the almost fall, aching mod back, with griping vice like chest pain, barely able to inhale, the normal pain neck and shoulder, as well as in lower back, hip.

Yeah right, she thinks as she remembers that comment about only feeling pain in one place at one.

One short step after another, stopping every 3 or 4 steps, then every 2 or 3 steps, pain now in both ankles, tears steaming down her face, another step, another step. Migraine was starting, dammit how many types of pain could she have... the 1^st bin slowly getting closer, it was impossible to think about anything, except getting there.

It seemed like an hour, but was about 10 mins she guessed, she got to the 1^st bin, she leaned across the top of the bin, trying to take the weight off the various joints up her body, that last step, felt like every joint was swollen, inflamed with pain. She knew there was no way she could walk between this bin and the next. Leaning forward on her elbows, she hung her head, and cried. No one was around, holding in the hopelessness of her situation was just causing more pain, crying wasn't particularly helping either, her body shaking with tears, it didn't matter, nothing mattered, crying was hurting too much, so she stopped.

All the years she had planned to end her life, when the pain got to bad, every situation she had thought of, how bad the pain was, what and how she would do it, never did she consider being stuck, on the footpath, leaning over a bin of rubbish, knowing she couldn't go forward, what would she have to do, just wait, and hope someone would drive along the street, … I must look like an old drunk, if a car was to come along, me learning like this, or waling like I am, I would probably look like a drunk, if I was to fall in the ground, again I would just look like a drunk, , I'm screwed she thought. I'm screwed until morning.

It was very dark and the cold night air, was biting into her back, she could barely take take anymore of a breath than a small sniff of breath. She tried to concentrate on her breathing, about how much of a breath was she taking, half a cup, no much less than that, about the area of an egg, smaller than that, maybe the size of an ice cube.

The odd thing about this particular pain, the cold night air /unable to take a normal breathe/crushing pain, was that often if I could just stretch that area between my shoulder blades, and down a couple of inches, if she could just stretch it in the right way, and her spine would click, that particular pain would ease. Trouble was, often trying to get her back to stretch it could not work, but instead pull the muscles, which could make the pain worse.

1209

Making herself stand up, the rubbish bin moved a little, she had assumed it was full, but looking at it, it was the recycling bin, the bin that was much than it would be if it was full, instantly she though, I wonder if I could use the bin like a walking frame. Move it forward a few inches, take a step, forward take a step. Then every time I need to I can use it to rest against.

It worked, she hobbled off towards home, it was slow progress, but it was progress, since she couldn't take a decent breath, she had to rest often, after another 15 metres, her muscles were screaming with pain, feeling like they were going to cramp, she guessed because of lack of oxygen.

But she was almost to the next bin, and about 25 or 30 meters from the door of her house, back to safely. She didn't care about her physical safety, hell, she often fantasied about being murdered, how guest would that be, only pain for a few hours, then never anymore pain, no more anything, being murdered would be a bonus, a blessing, but chances are, it would never happen to her.

She eventually got home, the rubbish bin would just have to stay beside her back door, inside she made a hot-water bottle for her back, a cup of tea, and sat down at her computer, hot water-bottle between her shoulder blades, she dropped 5 paindullers, there is no way, they kill the pain, dull it was all it did. But if she overdosed just this much it seemed to do the trick, it wouldn't be good for her liver, but what the hell. 

She opened Facebook, and started to scroll down her wall,

Like

Like

Like Share

Like

Like comment, ROLF

miss that post, and that one

Like

Like

Like comment, ROLF 

she thought, yeah right, I leave a comment that I'm rolling on the floor laughing, and here i am crying... 

Like comment Share

read a blog post about pain,

read a newspaper report about health

Private message:

Janice Sayer: Hey Lilly, I was starting to worry about you, been hours since you've been on facebook.

Lilly Alembe: Hi Janice, I went to the shop, and had a rest after I got back.
Janice Sayer: Yeah, you were talking to me before you went to the shop, you said you'd be back in 20 minutes....

Lilly Alembe: Oh, sorry Janice, I totally forgot to let you know.

Janice Sayer: No worries, I have to go to work now, have a good night, if you have slept when I get home my night, I'll chat.

Lilly Alembe: Ok, see yah. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee

Like

Like

Like comment ROLF, Share

Miss that post,

Share

Like

Like

Like

Like comment, LOL

Share

Like comment, LMBO

Like

Open Candy Crush, level 35, Clear all jelly, and 130,000 points.

repeat above a couple of times.. 40 minutes or so later, 

She realises pain has subsided, not gone, it was never gone, but she would be able to take care of her normal day to day exsistance.

She didn't believe she had a life, it was just staying alive, because her body wouldn't die.

She though about lieing to Janice. She often lied to people on facebook, would be typing LOL or LMAO while she was actually crying, saying she was fine, when she was stuck in her chair, unable to move, having to pee her pants, posting she had just had a lovely hot shower, when truth was, she had turned the hot water off 6 weeks ago, to save power, she usually couldn't shower herself anymore now anyway. But it wasn't anything, people she would never meet, have to know what her life is really like.

the wonderful thing about facebook is, it's a fantasy life, oh sure there are people that want to share their real life, but many many people have a fantasy life on facebook. The fantasy life online was just what worked, who would have believed that at home, she was planning her own death.


Continues here

Poem: Just you Lover

Come lay with me,
Lay between my legs,
Rest your head on my tummy,
Quiet now, 
Don't say a word,
Just listen,
Hear me with your body,
Hear my hands, 
My words,
My thoughts.

Honey, I love you,
with everything,
I love you,
I want you,
I need you.
Just You.

Just you,
Not what you can do,
Not to protect me,
Not to keep me from harm,
Cause, having you,
Right there at my side,
I won't need protecting,
Your strength will be mine.

You wanna be my Marine,
My knight in shining armour,
My dragon slayer,
My shelter from the storm,
You wanna be the person,
I look up to with eye's full of love.
That's you already.

I want you,
Just you,
Right there by my side,
No dragons no slay,
No storms to weather,
No enemy to conquer,
No fights to win.
Just be there,
Just you.

Just you,
That's who I feel in love with,
You....

Working through intrusive thoughts: Grief

Reply to a post on facebook, where someone was asking for help to work through grief. On The Nutters Club facebook page.

My life has been in the same neck of the woods as you. I don't know how you feel, but I've been lost in grief too.

I found that by compartmentalizing my grief, just putting it to one side, and starting to look at other things that either used to interest me, or something that was totally new to learn about, has lead to me not only learning new stuff, but also learning about my journey with grief.

When I'm in a state, I find reading very difficult, too many obtrusive thoughts. But either listening or watching something, especially something that I can stop and start if I need to, is very good.

To give an example. The other night listening to talkback, I heard someone talk about a NZ actor, who was around back in 30's, I wondered what she was doing now, so went and googled her name.

The 1^st result was was wikipedia, and that was interesting probably, but my mind was busy with intrusive thoughts, and I didn't adsorb much, except she was still alive lol

the second result in google, was to a video clip on the site I have since started exploring, a site that has many many visual clips, something like youtube, but only listing productions.

The page had several links to short clips of what she has done over the years. Then in the related part of the page, either the same actor or subject, there was 1 full TV program, on a subject she had spoken.

So I went to view that, and finding out there were several full TV programs on that site, I started browsing the site for full length vids, and the journey began in earnest.

Over the past 4 days or so, I have watched about 30 of so clips on various subjects, everything from extinct plant in NZ, and how they have worked out why it disappeared about 50 years ago, right through Maori land disputes, a particular type of fish, finding Captain Cooks anchor in Taihati, to the 1^st episode of a TV series Doves of War, to a couple of comedies, a couple of kids science programs, etc etc, to last night, when I discovered quite a few programs looking at ways us kiwi's support each other. One of those programs touched on grief, and I heard something that made sense to my recovery. It was like the full circle.
Today, I'm back here, contributing to this group, with bits and pieces of what I have learned.